Hiranyakashipuavalokiteshvara
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Parody Short Story
Parody Short Story
A parody; the android Hiranyakashipuavalokiteshvara is mysteriously transformed into human form, and must fight against the tyrannical rule of the Fierce Tigress.
Written by Mélodie Rivers; first draft published March 9 2017
Written by Mélodie Rivers; first draft published March 9 2017
Welcome. I am an android and my name is Hiranyakashipuavalokiteshvara. You cannot sadly call me by any other name or nickname, because my entire software programming and command prompts are based entirely on the entry "Hiranyakashipuavalokiteshvara". So you must memorize and train to say my name right, otherwise I will not be able to answer you or even give you any attention at all.
Due to a random meeting with two siblings who claimed to be from another parallel universe and whom I have only met for 30 minutes, I have been convinced to tell my life story to all of the universe; so here it follows.
I am, as I have said, an android. I have been created by Satan Inc. to strike fear into the hearts of the enemy. To do so, they had decided that I should be a monsterous-looking creature; my eyes were constantly lit up by a small fire in the eye sockets, which was very annoying, and often caused me trouble with my vision, such as bumping everywhere, stepping on the King's feet, breaking precious experimental tubes and spilling their often dangerous and/or contagious and/or atomically unstable content across the whole of the Satan Inc. HQ's floor. As if it wasn't enough, I had my whole face and body plastered with satanic tattoos (both figuratively and literally, as they were both satanical in message, but also satanically itching), reading: "Jesus-Christ Is A Moron!", or "Satan Rocks!", or again "Ad Hominem Attacks Are Legitimate Arguments In A Debate!", etc.
Suffice to say that at the bewilderment of Satan Inc., the enemy's reaction to my appearance was not quite... what Satan Inc. had in mind. Unless what they had in mind was to make their enemies roll on the floor with laughter and tears in their eyes, holding their aching belly and wildly kicking their legs.
When Satan Inc. realized my ineffectiveness, they somehow forgot to deactivate me, and I was left alone, free to wander across Satan Inc.'s HQ. I was thus able to gather quite a few... interesting knowledge about the satanic activities that were going on.
One of the most intriguing activity they were having, was their bimonthly anti-aging treatment, but most of all, the treatments that followed the said bimonthly anti-aging treatment. Satan Inc.'s brightest scientists discovered that the best anti-aging chemical was adrenaline. Sadly, humans (and especially satanical ones), were found to produce just not enough adrenaline to counter anti-aging. So the scientists searched far and wide to find the best adrenaline factory, and they finally discovered the most adrenaline productive factory: the Earthian Common Squirrel.
The treatment began as such: the scientists would keep squirrels in cages, and when came the time for the treatment, they would put nuts in front of the cage, but outside of it and just out of reach. The squirrels, desperate for the nuts, would thus become extremely excited trying to reach the nuts, and their adrenaline level would peak up. A long syringe (the scientists could not approach the cages, otherwise the squirrels would be scared and run around their cages too wildly) would then collect the adrenaline, and the nuts would be taken away, much to the disappointment of the squirrels. That pure squirrel adrenaline would then be given to the elite satanical humans, and it would combat for some time the ageing process.
Sadly, that treatment had side-effects. The abnormal boost in adrenaline resulted in unbalanced hormones, and caused the eyeballs to slightly pop out. The scientists and elite were distraught, so a few months later, they developed a wrapping support that looked like glasses, which consisted of small transparent plates that would apply a slight but constant pressure against the eyeballs to prevent them from popping further out.
Sadly, this cure had a side-effect. Since most of the eye support rested on the nose, it resulted in too much pressure on the nose, and the latter began to compress too much, and the nasal air pipes became constricted, resulting in breathing losses. A few months later, the scientists had however found a countermeasure to this side-effect, and it was a support with a pair of pincers, each one in each side of the nose, preventing the nasal air pipe to close down further, and which one could manually expand the diameter to suit one's breathing need.
Sadly, it had once again a sad side-effect: the majority of the nose support needed to rest on the upper teeth. This, coupled with the adrenaline boost, resulted in the incisives growing to three times their normal sizes, resulting in the elite having rabbit-like front teeth.
To their much despair, the scientists were still searching for a cure up until when their Empire fell; so the satanical elite that wished to counter ageing, and whom we fought with all our might, were doomed to look like Marty Feldman with Voldemort's nose and Easter Bunny front teeth.
Another strange detail that not many know about Satan Inc. and that I mused for some time in my wandering years, was the troubling painting depicting Satan fighting God, in their Satanical Church. Satan Inc.'s painters were fond of the Renaissance Classical painting style, with the nakedness of the subjects, their detailed muscles and such, and they applied the same style to their own depictions of a naked Satan overthrowing and looking down on a naked God... Satan had a victorious smile, straining all his leg muscles to hold down God on the floor, the latter with a distraught and pained grimace (Satan Inc. had some alternative ideas on how the Bible's story actually happened...).
The thing is... it was quite a troubling sight, for I could not help but notice the disturbing, troubling, and awkward close proximity between Satan's private parts and God's distraught and pained grimace... Another thought in fact crossed my mind, but for the sake of all the readers in this Universe, I cannot detail my other thoughts about this troubling-looking painting...
There was quite some events that also happened during my wandering years. One day, a random gal from space dropped on Earth; she was so gorgeous, with lots of curves and lots of make-up (you should have seen her without the make-up... it still makes me shivers...), that the whole government (unfortunately made up of only males, because of their old-fashioned rule about male leadership) forgot to continue their duties and just went around gaping at her. She took upon the opportunity to seize control, and from that moment forth, Satan Inc. got its first Queen. She was nicknamed "The Fierce Tigress", not so much because of her skills at leadership (which can I just say, as a female android, were complete c**p), but because of her reputation with the men when the evenings came...
Anyway, that aside, I passed some pretty boring years just walking around, unnoticed, through the HQ, observing as the hierarchy was getting unrulier than ever under The Fierce Tigress' grip (it did not help when the actual officials were too tired and exhausted from their wild nights to properly work), when one year, after a spark from the fires in my eyes made me once again stumble over my feet, I bumped into Michael, Satan Inc.'s satanic librarian. Only, he was not, in fact, a satanical librarian, but an angelical spy, for the Angel's Brotherhood of Goodness Sisterhood of Compassion Agency, since about 30 years. I wonder how Satan Inc. did not notice before that he was a spy, since he was the complete opposite to everyone: actual green eyes without any internal fires; long blond hair combed to perfection with no spider webs or toxic chemicals in them; tall and tanned as if enjoying beaches and tropical suns while the satanic officials were small and pale white due to the low ceilings of the HQ and their revulsion to light; clothed in white and bright colours with not a single trace of bloodstains; and his annoying habit to greet, every mornings, everyone he met within the HQ by: "May God bless you and your damned soul, and may He forgive your sins!"... I think the only thing that fooled Satan Inc. into overlooking all of the inconsistencies and believing he was one of them, was that he had a horned green snake hiding under his coat... Satan Inc. loved snakes, to a point of seeing them as sacred, so anyone with a snake pet were considered good guys.
So, when I bumped into the satanic/actually ABGSCA spy librarian, he looked at me, and his green snake slid from under his belt and also looked at me, its horns suddenly glowing. Instantly, he extended his hand, and presented himself, starting with his usual greeting:
"May God bless you and your damned soul, and may He forgive your sins; I'm Michael."
We started to talk, and I learned that he was responsible for scanning and removing from texts and written conversations all the nonsatanical words such as "love", "forgiveness", "lamb", etc. When I learned about that, it explained several tweets that I was reading, that were as follow:
- Joe: "I saw this movie, I really ****d it!"
- Mark: "Really? What was the name?"
- Joe: "Rose's Little White ****."
Michael was kind enough to let me see the original tweets, which originally were written as such:
- Joe: "I saw this movie, I really loved it!"
- Mark: "Really? What was the name?"
- Joe: "Rose's Little White Lamb."
I also learned that came a time when the officials asked Michael if it would be possible to remove all the letters themselves that could be used to write "love", "forgiveness", "lamb", etc. There was some discussion and tests, but they abandoned the idea when the conversations became simply intelligible:
- J**: "* **w th** *****, * *****y ****d *t!"
- ***k: "*****y? Wh*t w** th* ****?"
- J**: "****'* **tt** Wh*t* ****."
I am distracting from my original narrative... When Michael and I talked for some time, he suddenly startled, as if he just had a great idea, took me by the hand, and guided me to the laboratory. I have no idea how a simple librarian like him had clearance access to the top-secret laboratories; but considering the chaotic management reigning since the rule of The Fierce Tigress, I did not felt the need to dwell on such a curiosity.
In an alcove of that laboratory, Michael smiled mischievously and still holding firmly my hand so I could not escape, led me right through an interdimensional portal... which led to a freezing planet and right in front of a 12-kilometres high mountain.
"Let's climb it!" Michael decided.
I followed dutifully, and started climbing the snow-covered mountain, strong winds sweeping all around us. About halfway, I started thinking it was a bad idea, as the ridiculous cold temperature around us began to freeze the oil inside my machine body, and my limbs also began to freeze. But it did not seem to matter to Michael, as he only kept urging me forward/upward.
Finally arriving at the top of the mountain, my frozen legs encountered however a rock, and paralysed from all the freezing cold, I fell face forward, like a straight plank, and hit with all my weight the stone ground of the mountain.
The shock disrupted several of my electrical chips, and it caused a short-circuit. I barely had enough time to see at the corner of my eye a blue glow in the sky, and Michael proudly announcing: "Look! A galaxy!", before I lost consciousness and my whole system shut down. At least, I saw for one second a blue glow that was supposed to be a galaxy, and that was apparently Michael's first test to see if I could be reformed. It did work, for the next morning, when my system did a repair session to try and clear the mess from the fall, I did had different thought processes and started to understand my environment differently. It seem indeed to have come from the one second sight of the galaxy that Michael showed me.
From that success, he took it upon himself to continuously try and reform me by making me visit several other planets to see several other beauties. Almost invariably I would stumble on a rock, or because of cold, or be hit by a drop of steaming lava; but each time, I got just enough time to see something amazing. One day, I saw a humanoid spider lady overlooking the birth of a newborn star; as I was admiring the scene, I must admit that I wondered how she could possibly survive the herculean shock waves and matter/particles being spread at very high velocity. I also tried to ask Michael why that lady needed to overlook a star birth, but to this day, he never answered...
So, thanks to all the falls and the electrical short-circuits in my mechanical brain, after a few months of such journeys into perilous environments, Michael considered me reformed, as I was no longer thinking the same way as before, and informed me of his spy position. After which he admitted having fallen in love with me at first sight. I asked him why, and most of all, if he was truly honest, as I was not certain of his honesty since my eyes were like small-scales fireplaces and my whole face and body was tattooed with pseudo-terrifying quotes; but he assured me that he was honest, and proved it by showing that his green snake would only glow in presence of true love.
He kissed me, while I closed my eyes (not because I wanted to, but because the fires in my eyes had reduced to embers, would occasional send out sparkles, so I did not want to accidentally burn Michael, especially at such a close proximity), furthermore assuring me that he loved me just the way I was.
After we honeymooned for a few days, he asked me if I would join the Angel's Brotherhood of Goodness Sisterhood of Compassion Agency and help overthrow Satan Inc. I agreed, of course, mainly because my electronic chip that enabled decision making had been damaged in a fall during one of my interplanetary journeys, and he was happy, so he took me by the hand, and said that it was time for me to visit his home city.
I was really excited to see a falling prone-free city, but instead of visiting it, Michael took me straight to a big building, and led me inside to a laboratory, where he warmly greeted what obviously looked like an Angel scientist. Michael and that angelic scientist moved to a corner to whisper together, Michael often pointing me and the Angel often looking at me and passing his hand in his messy hair, until finally the scientist made a sign that signified he accepted Michael's demands. The Angel moved to an empty operation table, while Michael walked up to me, all smiles:
"Guess what, Hiranyakashipuavalokiteshvara? You're about to have a biological body with a biological soul! We have plenty of models right here, hanging on the wall, for you to choose."
"What?!" I exclaimed, surprised but mostly hurt at the hidden comment. "I thought you said you loved me as I was!"
Michael passed his hand in his hairs, obviously uncomfortable; his green horned snake was avoiding my angry stare, preferring to slither back under his owner's coat:
"Well, you see... I personally don't mind, but its just that... Well, I have this Angelic Highschool of Compassion and Unbridled Benevolence Reunion tomorrow, and I thought you would like to meet my friends... But I can't possibly bring a demonic-looking girlfriend to an assembly of highly trained Angels, and not only that, but my parents will disapprove and probably disinherit me... so would you mind look prettier than you are now? You won't have fireplaces in your eyes and tattoos..." he finished trailing off in a seductive manner.
I was angry at him for not informing me about his decision, but I had to admit that actually seeing where I was going, and not have these satanical itching tattoos made a very convincing argument, so I accepted.
When I opened my eyes, hours or days later, I immediately shut them off, as I experienced something like never before: colours and shapes, all in crystal clear detail. Michael smiled at me, and immediately invited me to stand up and try to walk to the mirror. I did so, believing it would finally be a success to walk without stumbling or falling, but I was greatly mistaken. As soon as I took one step, I immediately tripped over my slumbered legs, and fell once again straight toward the floor. This time, I did not short-circuit, but rather let out a mighty shout: "Owwww!!!"
Michael and the Angel scientist laughed kindly (I hope so anyway) at my pure clumsiness, and soon helped me out to stand and see my new body... which was simply too marvellous for words. I have no idea how I can have a new biological body, nor how the hell the angelic scientist did to stuff a "biological soul", as Michael called it, nor was I 100% that I actually had a new soul. I did thought even more differently than before... Still not sure if it counts as having a new soul....
The next day, after I got myself familiarized with walking and holding myself upright, Michael and I went to his Highschool Reunion. The evening mainly went okay, despite the unfortunate leftovers of my mechanical self, which were mainly how I responded to people; for despite my transformation, I still could only respond to someone if that person called me by my full name... Which resulted in Michael's friends trying unsuccessfully to memorize and pronounce my full name during all evening; Michael was forced to answer in my stead, or act as an interpreter between his friends and myself, otherwise I would only look blankly around me or nowhere while his friends tried to talk to me while messing up my name.
When that was done, Michael and the brand new myself returned to Satan Inc., and we put about our plan to overthrow this satanic organization. It was not nearly as hard as people would believe it was: the officials were either most of the times enjoying orgies in the presence of The Fierce Tigress, or sleeping/napping, too tired from the said orgies. Taking them out of the way was a piece of cake, and consisted mainly of tying themselves up and dragging them to a nice sunny island in the middle of nowhere, for them to enjoy their retirement.
The Fierce Tigress was also, fortunately for us, easily removable. We found out she always spent between 45 minutes and 1 hour to get make-uped, dressed, oiled, hairdressed, and other such shenanigans, and was all completely locked away in her bathroom with a female aide. So I posed as her new female aide, and while she had her eyes closed so I would apply the eyeliners and eyeshadows, I had a perfect opportunity to administer a sedative and make her fall asleep on the spot... on the very first day of my infiltration. She too got to join the officials' island. Since they were all exiled, might as well allow them to have fun, we thought.
And it was as easy as that. Michael was able to restore the missing words in the texts, we freed the squirrels and led them to a nut-filled forest, and we instaured a new generation of leaders to take over the once-called Satan Inc. Luckily most of them were either all married or in a relationship, so no more orgies were going on during work times, and they all actually did their jobs (well, most of them anyways).
Considering our mission well done, Michael and I decided to live on our own paradise on his planet, until I got visited, two nights ago, by some strangers from apparently another universe. We chatted for 30 minutes, I felt really comfortable around them so I told them my life story, and they urged me to write it down.
So there it is. I hope you have learned some important lessons about life and living; such as what not to get as anti-aging treatment, or that although Classical Art is, well, classical, the nude paintings must not end up troubling and awkward; or that most of all, during the working hours, the workers should actually do some jobs, and not engage in orgies with their good-looking boss.
Oh, and last but not least... Ad hominem attacks are NOT legitimate arguments in debates. Just saying.
Hiranyakashipuavalokiteshvara and Michael,
Forever protecting.
Due to a random meeting with two siblings who claimed to be from another parallel universe and whom I have only met for 30 minutes, I have been convinced to tell my life story to all of the universe; so here it follows.
I am, as I have said, an android. I have been created by Satan Inc. to strike fear into the hearts of the enemy. To do so, they had decided that I should be a monsterous-looking creature; my eyes were constantly lit up by a small fire in the eye sockets, which was very annoying, and often caused me trouble with my vision, such as bumping everywhere, stepping on the King's feet, breaking precious experimental tubes and spilling their often dangerous and/or contagious and/or atomically unstable content across the whole of the Satan Inc. HQ's floor. As if it wasn't enough, I had my whole face and body plastered with satanic tattoos (both figuratively and literally, as they were both satanical in message, but also satanically itching), reading: "Jesus-Christ Is A Moron!", or "Satan Rocks!", or again "Ad Hominem Attacks Are Legitimate Arguments In A Debate!", etc.
Suffice to say that at the bewilderment of Satan Inc., the enemy's reaction to my appearance was not quite... what Satan Inc. had in mind. Unless what they had in mind was to make their enemies roll on the floor with laughter and tears in their eyes, holding their aching belly and wildly kicking their legs.
When Satan Inc. realized my ineffectiveness, they somehow forgot to deactivate me, and I was left alone, free to wander across Satan Inc.'s HQ. I was thus able to gather quite a few... interesting knowledge about the satanic activities that were going on.
One of the most intriguing activity they were having, was their bimonthly anti-aging treatment, but most of all, the treatments that followed the said bimonthly anti-aging treatment. Satan Inc.'s brightest scientists discovered that the best anti-aging chemical was adrenaline. Sadly, humans (and especially satanical ones), were found to produce just not enough adrenaline to counter anti-aging. So the scientists searched far and wide to find the best adrenaline factory, and they finally discovered the most adrenaline productive factory: the Earthian Common Squirrel.
The treatment began as such: the scientists would keep squirrels in cages, and when came the time for the treatment, they would put nuts in front of the cage, but outside of it and just out of reach. The squirrels, desperate for the nuts, would thus become extremely excited trying to reach the nuts, and their adrenaline level would peak up. A long syringe (the scientists could not approach the cages, otherwise the squirrels would be scared and run around their cages too wildly) would then collect the adrenaline, and the nuts would be taken away, much to the disappointment of the squirrels. That pure squirrel adrenaline would then be given to the elite satanical humans, and it would combat for some time the ageing process.
Sadly, that treatment had side-effects. The abnormal boost in adrenaline resulted in unbalanced hormones, and caused the eyeballs to slightly pop out. The scientists and elite were distraught, so a few months later, they developed a wrapping support that looked like glasses, which consisted of small transparent plates that would apply a slight but constant pressure against the eyeballs to prevent them from popping further out.
Sadly, this cure had a side-effect. Since most of the eye support rested on the nose, it resulted in too much pressure on the nose, and the latter began to compress too much, and the nasal air pipes became constricted, resulting in breathing losses. A few months later, the scientists had however found a countermeasure to this side-effect, and it was a support with a pair of pincers, each one in each side of the nose, preventing the nasal air pipe to close down further, and which one could manually expand the diameter to suit one's breathing need.
Sadly, it had once again a sad side-effect: the majority of the nose support needed to rest on the upper teeth. This, coupled with the adrenaline boost, resulted in the incisives growing to three times their normal sizes, resulting in the elite having rabbit-like front teeth.
To their much despair, the scientists were still searching for a cure up until when their Empire fell; so the satanical elite that wished to counter ageing, and whom we fought with all our might, were doomed to look like Marty Feldman with Voldemort's nose and Easter Bunny front teeth.
Another strange detail that not many know about Satan Inc. and that I mused for some time in my wandering years, was the troubling painting depicting Satan fighting God, in their Satanical Church. Satan Inc.'s painters were fond of the Renaissance Classical painting style, with the nakedness of the subjects, their detailed muscles and such, and they applied the same style to their own depictions of a naked Satan overthrowing and looking down on a naked God... Satan had a victorious smile, straining all his leg muscles to hold down God on the floor, the latter with a distraught and pained grimace (Satan Inc. had some alternative ideas on how the Bible's story actually happened...).
The thing is... it was quite a troubling sight, for I could not help but notice the disturbing, troubling, and awkward close proximity between Satan's private parts and God's distraught and pained grimace... Another thought in fact crossed my mind, but for the sake of all the readers in this Universe, I cannot detail my other thoughts about this troubling-looking painting...
There was quite some events that also happened during my wandering years. One day, a random gal from space dropped on Earth; she was so gorgeous, with lots of curves and lots of make-up (you should have seen her without the make-up... it still makes me shivers...), that the whole government (unfortunately made up of only males, because of their old-fashioned rule about male leadership) forgot to continue their duties and just went around gaping at her. She took upon the opportunity to seize control, and from that moment forth, Satan Inc. got its first Queen. She was nicknamed "The Fierce Tigress", not so much because of her skills at leadership (which can I just say, as a female android, were complete c**p), but because of her reputation with the men when the evenings came...
Anyway, that aside, I passed some pretty boring years just walking around, unnoticed, through the HQ, observing as the hierarchy was getting unrulier than ever under The Fierce Tigress' grip (it did not help when the actual officials were too tired and exhausted from their wild nights to properly work), when one year, after a spark from the fires in my eyes made me once again stumble over my feet, I bumped into Michael, Satan Inc.'s satanic librarian. Only, he was not, in fact, a satanical librarian, but an angelical spy, for the Angel's Brotherhood of Goodness Sisterhood of Compassion Agency, since about 30 years. I wonder how Satan Inc. did not notice before that he was a spy, since he was the complete opposite to everyone: actual green eyes without any internal fires; long blond hair combed to perfection with no spider webs or toxic chemicals in them; tall and tanned as if enjoying beaches and tropical suns while the satanic officials were small and pale white due to the low ceilings of the HQ and their revulsion to light; clothed in white and bright colours with not a single trace of bloodstains; and his annoying habit to greet, every mornings, everyone he met within the HQ by: "May God bless you and your damned soul, and may He forgive your sins!"... I think the only thing that fooled Satan Inc. into overlooking all of the inconsistencies and believing he was one of them, was that he had a horned green snake hiding under his coat... Satan Inc. loved snakes, to a point of seeing them as sacred, so anyone with a snake pet were considered good guys.
So, when I bumped into the satanic/actually ABGSCA spy librarian, he looked at me, and his green snake slid from under his belt and also looked at me, its horns suddenly glowing. Instantly, he extended his hand, and presented himself, starting with his usual greeting:
"May God bless you and your damned soul, and may He forgive your sins; I'm Michael."
We started to talk, and I learned that he was responsible for scanning and removing from texts and written conversations all the nonsatanical words such as "love", "forgiveness", "lamb", etc. When I learned about that, it explained several tweets that I was reading, that were as follow:
- Joe: "I saw this movie, I really ****d it!"
- Mark: "Really? What was the name?"
- Joe: "Rose's Little White ****."
Michael was kind enough to let me see the original tweets, which originally were written as such:
- Joe: "I saw this movie, I really loved it!"
- Mark: "Really? What was the name?"
- Joe: "Rose's Little White Lamb."
I also learned that came a time when the officials asked Michael if it would be possible to remove all the letters themselves that could be used to write "love", "forgiveness", "lamb", etc. There was some discussion and tests, but they abandoned the idea when the conversations became simply intelligible:
- J**: "* **w th** *****, * *****y ****d *t!"
- ***k: "*****y? Wh*t w** th* ****?"
- J**: "****'* **tt** Wh*t* ****."
I am distracting from my original narrative... When Michael and I talked for some time, he suddenly startled, as if he just had a great idea, took me by the hand, and guided me to the laboratory. I have no idea how a simple librarian like him had clearance access to the top-secret laboratories; but considering the chaotic management reigning since the rule of The Fierce Tigress, I did not felt the need to dwell on such a curiosity.
In an alcove of that laboratory, Michael smiled mischievously and still holding firmly my hand so I could not escape, led me right through an interdimensional portal... which led to a freezing planet and right in front of a 12-kilometres high mountain.
"Let's climb it!" Michael decided.
I followed dutifully, and started climbing the snow-covered mountain, strong winds sweeping all around us. About halfway, I started thinking it was a bad idea, as the ridiculous cold temperature around us began to freeze the oil inside my machine body, and my limbs also began to freeze. But it did not seem to matter to Michael, as he only kept urging me forward/upward.
Finally arriving at the top of the mountain, my frozen legs encountered however a rock, and paralysed from all the freezing cold, I fell face forward, like a straight plank, and hit with all my weight the stone ground of the mountain.
The shock disrupted several of my electrical chips, and it caused a short-circuit. I barely had enough time to see at the corner of my eye a blue glow in the sky, and Michael proudly announcing: "Look! A galaxy!", before I lost consciousness and my whole system shut down. At least, I saw for one second a blue glow that was supposed to be a galaxy, and that was apparently Michael's first test to see if I could be reformed. It did work, for the next morning, when my system did a repair session to try and clear the mess from the fall, I did had different thought processes and started to understand my environment differently. It seem indeed to have come from the one second sight of the galaxy that Michael showed me.
From that success, he took it upon himself to continuously try and reform me by making me visit several other planets to see several other beauties. Almost invariably I would stumble on a rock, or because of cold, or be hit by a drop of steaming lava; but each time, I got just enough time to see something amazing. One day, I saw a humanoid spider lady overlooking the birth of a newborn star; as I was admiring the scene, I must admit that I wondered how she could possibly survive the herculean shock waves and matter/particles being spread at very high velocity. I also tried to ask Michael why that lady needed to overlook a star birth, but to this day, he never answered...
So, thanks to all the falls and the electrical short-circuits in my mechanical brain, after a few months of such journeys into perilous environments, Michael considered me reformed, as I was no longer thinking the same way as before, and informed me of his spy position. After which he admitted having fallen in love with me at first sight. I asked him why, and most of all, if he was truly honest, as I was not certain of his honesty since my eyes were like small-scales fireplaces and my whole face and body was tattooed with pseudo-terrifying quotes; but he assured me that he was honest, and proved it by showing that his green snake would only glow in presence of true love.
He kissed me, while I closed my eyes (not because I wanted to, but because the fires in my eyes had reduced to embers, would occasional send out sparkles, so I did not want to accidentally burn Michael, especially at such a close proximity), furthermore assuring me that he loved me just the way I was.
After we honeymooned for a few days, he asked me if I would join the Angel's Brotherhood of Goodness Sisterhood of Compassion Agency and help overthrow Satan Inc. I agreed, of course, mainly because my electronic chip that enabled decision making had been damaged in a fall during one of my interplanetary journeys, and he was happy, so he took me by the hand, and said that it was time for me to visit his home city.
I was really excited to see a falling prone-free city, but instead of visiting it, Michael took me straight to a big building, and led me inside to a laboratory, where he warmly greeted what obviously looked like an Angel scientist. Michael and that angelic scientist moved to a corner to whisper together, Michael often pointing me and the Angel often looking at me and passing his hand in his messy hair, until finally the scientist made a sign that signified he accepted Michael's demands. The Angel moved to an empty operation table, while Michael walked up to me, all smiles:
"Guess what, Hiranyakashipuavalokiteshvara? You're about to have a biological body with a biological soul! We have plenty of models right here, hanging on the wall, for you to choose."
"What?!" I exclaimed, surprised but mostly hurt at the hidden comment. "I thought you said you loved me as I was!"
Michael passed his hand in his hairs, obviously uncomfortable; his green horned snake was avoiding my angry stare, preferring to slither back under his owner's coat:
"Well, you see... I personally don't mind, but its just that... Well, I have this Angelic Highschool of Compassion and Unbridled Benevolence Reunion tomorrow, and I thought you would like to meet my friends... But I can't possibly bring a demonic-looking girlfriend to an assembly of highly trained Angels, and not only that, but my parents will disapprove and probably disinherit me... so would you mind look prettier than you are now? You won't have fireplaces in your eyes and tattoos..." he finished trailing off in a seductive manner.
I was angry at him for not informing me about his decision, but I had to admit that actually seeing where I was going, and not have these satanical itching tattoos made a very convincing argument, so I accepted.
When I opened my eyes, hours or days later, I immediately shut them off, as I experienced something like never before: colours and shapes, all in crystal clear detail. Michael smiled at me, and immediately invited me to stand up and try to walk to the mirror. I did so, believing it would finally be a success to walk without stumbling or falling, but I was greatly mistaken. As soon as I took one step, I immediately tripped over my slumbered legs, and fell once again straight toward the floor. This time, I did not short-circuit, but rather let out a mighty shout: "Owwww!!!"
Michael and the Angel scientist laughed kindly (I hope so anyway) at my pure clumsiness, and soon helped me out to stand and see my new body... which was simply too marvellous for words. I have no idea how I can have a new biological body, nor how the hell the angelic scientist did to stuff a "biological soul", as Michael called it, nor was I 100% that I actually had a new soul. I did thought even more differently than before... Still not sure if it counts as having a new soul....
The next day, after I got myself familiarized with walking and holding myself upright, Michael and I went to his Highschool Reunion. The evening mainly went okay, despite the unfortunate leftovers of my mechanical self, which were mainly how I responded to people; for despite my transformation, I still could only respond to someone if that person called me by my full name... Which resulted in Michael's friends trying unsuccessfully to memorize and pronounce my full name during all evening; Michael was forced to answer in my stead, or act as an interpreter between his friends and myself, otherwise I would only look blankly around me or nowhere while his friends tried to talk to me while messing up my name.
When that was done, Michael and the brand new myself returned to Satan Inc., and we put about our plan to overthrow this satanic organization. It was not nearly as hard as people would believe it was: the officials were either most of the times enjoying orgies in the presence of The Fierce Tigress, or sleeping/napping, too tired from the said orgies. Taking them out of the way was a piece of cake, and consisted mainly of tying themselves up and dragging them to a nice sunny island in the middle of nowhere, for them to enjoy their retirement.
The Fierce Tigress was also, fortunately for us, easily removable. We found out she always spent between 45 minutes and 1 hour to get make-uped, dressed, oiled, hairdressed, and other such shenanigans, and was all completely locked away in her bathroom with a female aide. So I posed as her new female aide, and while she had her eyes closed so I would apply the eyeliners and eyeshadows, I had a perfect opportunity to administer a sedative and make her fall asleep on the spot... on the very first day of my infiltration. She too got to join the officials' island. Since they were all exiled, might as well allow them to have fun, we thought.
And it was as easy as that. Michael was able to restore the missing words in the texts, we freed the squirrels and led them to a nut-filled forest, and we instaured a new generation of leaders to take over the once-called Satan Inc. Luckily most of them were either all married or in a relationship, so no more orgies were going on during work times, and they all actually did their jobs (well, most of them anyways).
Considering our mission well done, Michael and I decided to live on our own paradise on his planet, until I got visited, two nights ago, by some strangers from apparently another universe. We chatted for 30 minutes, I felt really comfortable around them so I told them my life story, and they urged me to write it down.
So there it is. I hope you have learned some important lessons about life and living; such as what not to get as anti-aging treatment, or that although Classical Art is, well, classical, the nude paintings must not end up troubling and awkward; or that most of all, during the working hours, the workers should actually do some jobs, and not engage in orgies with their good-looking boss.
Oh, and last but not least... Ad hominem attacks are NOT legitimate arguments in debates. Just saying.
Hiranyakashipuavalokiteshvara and Michael,
Forever protecting.